From Emotional Reactivity to Authenticity
Breaking Free from Emotional Reactivity: Finding Your Authentic Self
As a Business and Purpose Coach, I often work with clients who are struggling to find their authentic selves amidst the chaos of daily life. One of the biggest challenges we face is distinguishing between our true selves and our reactive patterns. Let's dive into this topic and explore how we can move from reactivity to authenticity.
The Myth of Authenticity
We hear a lot about "being authentic" these days. It's become a buzzword in personal development circles, often misunderstood as simply speaking your mind or expressing every emotion. However, true authenticity is about aligning your actions with your core values and acting from a place of self-awareness.
The tricky part? We often mistake our knee-jerk reactions for our authentic selves. This confusion can lead us down a path of emotional reactivity that feels genuine in the moment but doesn't truly reflect who we are at our core.
Understanding Emotional Reactivity
Emotional reactivity is like being on autopilot. It's when our emotions take the wheel, driving our actions before we've had a chance to think things through. We've all been there – someone cuts us off in traffic, and suddenly we're all rage and colourful language. Is that our "authentic self" coming out? Probably not.
The key is to recognize that these reactive states, while normal and human, aren't the whole story. They're often rooted in past experiences, societal conditioning, or unresolved issues. When we're constantly in these reactive states, we're not living from our true selves but from our wounds and conditioning.
The Drama Triangle: A Reactive Dance
One of the clearest manifestations of emotional reactivity is the Drama Triangle, a concept developed by Stephen Karpman. It's a model of dysfunctional social interaction that plays out in our personal and professional lives more often than we'd like to admit.
The Drama Triangle has three roles:
The Victim: Feels powerless, blames others, denies own accountability & feels persecuted.
The Rescuer: Tries to help, often without being asked.
The Villain (or Persecutor): Frustrated, critical, oppressive, authoritarian & blaming.
We often switch between these roles, creating a dizzying dance of drama. For example, the Rescuer might snap into the Villain role after becoming fed up of trying to rescue to no avail: “You’re not listening to me!”. Or the Victim might snap into the Villain role instead, becoming frustrated that their situation isn’t changing: “Enough! You’re not helping!”. Likewise, the Rescuer could also become the Victim, feeling exhausted and taken for granted: “All I do it try to help people and no one appreciates me!”. And even the Villain can switch into the Victim role, often after being shunned for their outbursts: “Why can’t everyone just get on with it! Then I wouldn’t have to be that way with them!”
This constant dance and role-switching is exhausting and prevents us from showing up authentically in our relationships and work. It allows very childlike emotional states to lead our interactions, in a world that needs us to be adults more than ever.
Transactional Analysis: Understanding Our Inner Cast
To add another layer to our self-discovery and deepen our awareness of where some of this might be coming from, let's look at Transactional Analysis (TA). This psychological theory, developed by Eric Berne, suggests we have three main ego states:
The Child: Our emotional, spontaneous side. It can be playful and creative (Free Child) or rebellious and people-pleasing (Adaptive Child). I like to think of the Child state as our Amygdala, the brain’s emotionally reactive centre.
The Parent: Our internalized rule book. It can be critical and controlling (Critical Parent) or nurturing and supportive (Nurturing Parent). I like to think of the Parent as the “monkey mind chatter” we all live with, the constant running stream of thoughts we have, always passing judgement about what we need (whether it’s being cruel or kind).
The Adult: Our rational, present-moment self. It's like the mediator between the Child and Parent. I like to think of it as our Prefrontal Cortex in the brain - the evolved part that helps us think logically and rationally.
Our emotional reactivity often stems from our Child or Parent states. When we're in Child mode, we might throw a tantrum when things don't go our way. In Parent mode, we might judge others harshly or try to fix everyone's problems.
Breaking Free: Moving from Reactivity to Adult Mode
So, how do we break free from these reactive patterns and find our authentic selves? The key is moving into our Adult ego state more often. Here are some strategies I use with my clients:
Practice Mindfulness: Regular mindfulness meditation can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them.
Hit the Pause Button: When you feel yourself getting reactive, take a deep breath. Create a little space between the trigger and your response.
Name It to Tame It: Try to identify which ego state you're in. Are you feeling like a powerless Child? A judgmental Parent? Just noticing can help you shift.
Ask Adult Questions: What's really going on here? What do I truly need in this situation? How can I respond in a way that aligns with my values?
Explore Your Triggers: What situations tend to throw you into reactive mode? Understanding your triggers can help you prepare for them.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no when you need to, without feeling guilty. This helps you avoid falling into the Rescuer role.
Communicate Clearly: Express your needs and feelings without blaming others. "I feel..." statements are your friend here.
Take Responsibility: Remember, you can't control others or circumstances, but you can choose your response.
The Journey to Authenticity
Finding your authentic self isn't about reaching a fixed destination. It's a journey, a path you walk day by day, choice by choice. Your authentic self isn't hiding under layers of reactivity – it's something you create through conscious choices and aligned actions.
As you practice stepping out of reactive patterns and into your Adult state, you'll start to get a clearer sense of who you really are and what truly matters to you. You might discover that you're more resilient than you thought, or that you have talents you've never fully expressed.
Remember, being authentic doesn't mean you'll never feel reactive emotions. You're human, after all! The difference is that you'll be able to experience those emotions without being completely controlled by them. You can acknowledge your anger, fear, or sadness without letting it dictate your actions.
The Ripple Effect of Authenticity
As you move from reactivity to authenticity, you might notice some significant changes in your life:
Better Relationships: When you're not caught up in Drama Triangle dynamics, your relationships become more honest, balanced, and fulfilling.
Increased Resilience: You're less knocked off course by life's ups and downs because you're responding thoughtfully rather than just reacting.
Greater Self-Trust: As you get to know your authentic self better, you'll trust your own judgment more.
More Energy: You're not wasting energy on unnecessary drama or trying to be someone you're not.
Clearer Purpose: When you're in touch with your authentic self, it's easier to figure out what really matters to you and where you want to go in life.
A Final Thought
Moving from reactivity to authenticity is a lifelong practice. There will be times when you slip back into old patterns, and that's okay. The key is to keep coming back to your Adult self, to keep choosing authenticity over reactivity.
In my coaching practice, I've seen time and again how this work can transform lives. It's not always easy, but it's incredibly rewarding. So, are you ready to step off the emotional reactivity rollercoaster and into a more authentic way of being? Your true self is waiting to emerge, and trust me, it's pretty amazing.